Well, I felt a little anxiety and nervousness before I finally grabbed my stomach and told myself “Just do it!!”.
I have been hiding for so many many many years… Most of my life being in darkness.. from running away from how other people will think of me (More about this story in another post..).. But when I would go in my little black shell when I’m away from the public or my friends, I really took the time to contemplate and think about it. If I lived my life trying to “fit in”, I’ll never really have lived my life. It would be someone else’s life.. a false perception I had created that falsely freezes me from the freedom and privilege to be how I truly desire to be. My “friends” would only see what I had wanted them to see, but it wasn’t the truth. It wasn’t how I really am, whether it was a good or bad person. I had to figure out who I am in the first place; to find myself; since I came to the conclusion that I can not be defined, before I could go out and BE this “mystery person” untouched by the influences of other people’s expectations of how I should be.
It’s always been my goal to fearlessly just BE myself and stop being so afraid, ashamed or feeling guilty about being who I AM.
I noticed all over the place when I go out, people try to fit in so hard that they forget who they are. They start dressing the same as everyone else because they have a thought: “Oh they might think I’m different/ not up to date with fashion” or “They might think I’m not cool.” And I’m not talking about just clothes. They dress similar or the same by their attitudes of being ashamed of having preferences to what they like. It’s one of those things not talked about. The general public starts acting in accordance with these unspoken “rules” and then it becomes an expectation where you pay with it by avoiding being your self at all costs, which totally kills your soul.
I used to be shallow like that, where it was all about looks, and “as long as you are defined of the media and public (especially your classmates/ friends/ coworkers/ boss/ strangers at the market/ etc.), then I should be able to accept you without OTHER people thinking I’m insane for talking to you.”
Or any little clue you give off that hints you are anything but “normal”, then you are automatically put in the “woah, we don’t go there!” catalog.
For me, I am totally DONE with this. I’ve decided I’m tired of living how other people think I should be, act, think, speak, and live. As long as there is any type of shame about being yourself, that’s already a jail for you. Being totally free emotionally to be who you are is the best feeling in the world. And I welcome you to my story.. As I allow myself to be totally raw.. may it help you in any way to open yourself up and know that you are not alone..
I end this with a poem I wrote:
Shaken; a spark of light through the cracks
Awaken; first breath to the max,
False despair leaves you Now,
Pulse; in the hands of love, no need “How?”
“Welcome.. dear Soul,
You are whole.”
(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice of the Wounded Soul
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