Trusting Women

I began re-reading a book I hadn’t touched in half a year.

It’s called Your Soul’s Gift.

In one of the paragraphs it said:

You have attracted both positive and negative models of male energy in your life.

This invoked a deep contemplation in the type of men and women I’ve been attracting into MY life.

I knew that I attracted what I believed in, but this is different. This is something from the SOUL level.

No matter what I cleared on myself, this issue seemed to be EVERYWHERE and resistant to being healed.

I saw that clearing this issue from the individual incarnations still doesn’t go to the SOURCE of it; which stems from the soul.
I then took a deep hard look at the closest female figures in my life.

I simply didn’t trust women.

Something in me, would avoid women.

For one, my mom left a terrible impression and representation of a woman figure.
Here is the history.

She divorced my father when I was very young and held onto the grudge that he owed her money and child support.

So she took it out on ME and LIMITED what she would normally give, as a PARENT to a young child.

Amidst this entanglement, my father was not able to work because he developed CANCER.

But, that reason was not good enough for her and she chose to hold onto the notion that HE OWES HER.

Over time, she saw me as my father…

And decided on her own, that I OWED HER.

When I turned 7, she married another man… FOR MONEY.
When I was 11, after we’ve moved into a new home, she began showing more prominently, subservient attitudes to my stepfather and held his words more important than her’s and my own.

As my younger half-sisters grew older, I watched as my mother gave up her VOICE in exchange for APPROVAL from them, so in turn my stepfather would approve HER, and GIVE HER MORE MONEY.

She would allow my half sisters’ authority over common sense, for fear of my stepfather.

I watched as my mother began worshipping my half sisters and stepfather.

I became the outcast of the family, the only one with a different last name in the household.

Eventually my mother wanted rent from me to live there, so I left.
After that, I’ve been noticing that I was attracting different types of women that were similar to my mother.

No matter how many energetic hearings I would do, it only had a minimal effect.

Until I realized this is something from the SOUL level.
Only a few years ago, did I start attracting higher frequency women into my life on a more regular basis.

I saw that what I required to do, is create new relationships with higher frequency women and release all the negative women appearing in my life, which is simply a reflection of the state of my inner feminine wholeness.

My resultant manifestations of the men and women in my life NOW, is from past choices and relations manifesting into my 3D life now.

And so it begins.

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I quit my job

I left my job in what I consider, in a graceful manner,

as I made the choice with conscious intent, and not from emotional reasons, I had felt in the days after somehow “bad” about it.

It was this lingering sadness of leaving a system that didn’t feel right.

I noticed specific patterns playing out that led to this event.

Even though deep down I knew I had quit the job long before I actually told my manager.

I started to clean the desk weeks prior.

I guess you could say I was looking for a confirmation to make my move, or wait till I was absolutely sure. However it didn’t occur that way.

I was sure before I knew it.

These feelings of sadness; of a loss, of a missed opportunity to have done things better.

These feelings of fear of loss of direction.

I’m glad they came up.

For me to release them. I no longer desire to carry any of this.

I no longer desired to work in an environment that opposes teamwork, that opposes cooperation, that opposes speaking up, and opposes abundance.

I know now this choice is not something to be guilty or sad over. That was the transitional emotion; one that came up to release forever.

Even though my manager followed me to the break room, sat down and cried “you know how much I did for you!? I wrote you 2 personal letters.. And I never done that to anyone. No one.. Only you.”

I cried too. I cried not at her sacrifice, but at the manifestation of this pattern that has been imprisoning her to experience betrayals; and this time through my presence.

I cried upon seeing her perceived loss of me leaving. I felt this sadness, yet love for her that my soul whispers how much I love her and appreciate her, yet her being blinded upon imprints activating.

However, I let this go. This is not a sad choice I made.

Far away from what it appears.

I’m free. I’m finally free.

Soul Desired to Speak to Me

Earlier, I had an experience. I started feeling this sadness of unfulfillment.

I then cried and felt this love for myself.. that I just desired myself to get well; to get better soon.

I cried on my bed and heard intuition, as I asked what do I do? I felt so unfulfilled.. that my soul was hungry for something.

I received an answer and heard it differently this time.
For my whole life, I had a conflict of polaric desires.
I was very grounded in the 3D and very aware, yet my spiritual life was non-existent.

Then I had an experience which flipped it the other way around. I had become intensely spiritual.. yet neglecting the physical with beliefs that was created over time.
(More about this in the next post ūüôā

So below I share with you something I received that truly is speaking to me strongly now.

How To Fulfill Your Deepest Desires

Often-times, people strive to obtain wealth and satisfaction as their main goals in life. Many times we find ourselves becoming too comfortable once a fraction of this has been attained.

And even ending up spiraling back down to the beginning only to repeat our work; never really progressing anywhere. Or playing small; creating excuses to stay where you are.

In order to distinguish and prevent ourselves from getting into a comfort zone after a goal has been reached, we require to remember that we are actually not aiming for a comfortable life in the end.

Our soul seeks fulfillment of its purpose. It is born of this purpose and seeks to return to it.

The true goal we are aiming for is then not comfort of a rich life.. rather the fulfillment of our heart’s deepest desires; which in truth will bring about the most abundance as it is aligned with who¬†YOU¬†are.

For reaping the abundance of our work is the domain of FULFILLMENT at the deepest level, not comfort.

(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice Of The Wounded Soul
*You may share as long as all proper credit is given to the creator.

I Let Go

Lately as I have been focusing on expressing myself even more verbally, I started seeing the deeper motives of others.

I started to become bitter, seeing the dark sides of people.

I then went into a container of thoughts that people should be more loving towards others. I then devised plans on how I could convince them to be a better person.
I had expected them to be gentle and nice to me.. Just because that was the right thing a moral person should do; and that they should be ethical.

In my mind of this perfect world where everyone followed all the rules of MY expectations, I had forgotten that this was where Control thrives.

This is where aggressive behaviour and victims breed. This was where the whole concept of Rank, authority over others and trying to have other people approve of you , is created.

This was not the world I intended to create… And through seeing what my own mind can manifest from cancerous thoughts, the cure was to do the opposite: let go.

No matter how many times I have arrived to this conclusion, and left it, I can only practice this as many times like a religion, to get it down to automatic action. Sometimes remembering this does not solve anything. Yet in choosing every moment of my life where the moment this situation occurs is the opportunity to go ahead and let go.. Let go of wanting people to be differently than who they are.

Because in truth, we are letting go of how WE want to ourselves to be.. Which is the freedom to accept others as who they are.. One of the best gifts you can give to anyone you know.

(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice Of The Wounded Soul
*You may share this creation as long as all proper credit is given.

Why Being In The Present Moment Dismantles The Victim

Happy February 1st!

Let me share with you what I experienced this morning:

In the middle of a dream, I woke up from a phone call from my younger sister.

In an instant, I SAW the thoughts I had about HOW I LIKE TO WAKE UP overcome automatically by being present in the Now, all the while listening to my sister complain and cry for help as the VICTIM persona danced through her VOICE.

Being careful to actively disengage from being a rescuer, and being present with her, I converted the situation and guided her to act from the power she has within.

This space of operation is a balance of requesting her to take action through a command yet strong enough where I set healthy boundaries. In the end, she understood that I am not going to “save” her from a perceived physical threat, and yet she did not BLAME me for choosing not to help her.

I noticed the important factor is being able to say NO without feeling GUILTY; especially when you recognize something like this is happening. This is how you break the chain of this vicious cycle.

If I were to choose to operate from a place of ANTI-WILLINGNESS, then I will create more situations where there is no desire for willingness.

You may have friends, siblings, relatives, etc., that you have known for awhile now. But as you open your eyes and adjust to a brighter world, you start to gain this inner power. It’s not a destructive or ill-mannered power. It’s a firm presence of your inner truth expressing itself fully through your words, deeds, actions, aligned with who you are deep down. As you learn to develop this energy, you realize that by expressing this truth, you are simply allowing a higher level of yourself to flow through. You then start to embody your inner power into the outer world.

The space of creation is the key.
To carry this tool of presence in the Now, is like your mobile abode. You have become the eye of the storm.

(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice Of The Wounded Soul
*You may share this creation as long as all proper credit is given.

Forgiving The Grudges… of Myself

As I invested many years of my energy to the point of obsessively doing healing sessions, certifications on healing, healing programs, meditations, books, etc. in order to relinquish the past baggage, I had forgotten the key that truly unlocks the door to the path forward, and most importantly: Locks the door to the past.

Whenever I would look back on what I did wrong, or how I could have done it better, my intention was to seek the error that could be corrected and in all honesty learn from my mistakes.

Yet this habit became a sort of automation that took on more of a trigger-reaction role, than a conscious choice.

As I kept up the routine of hunting down every possible mistake and criticizing myself for not being perfect, I began to see all the faults of myself and others that I longed to rid myself of. The fault was all I saw.

I wanted so strongly to move on from my past, yet nothing worked.

But it was this input of not wanting my past that energized the continual re-occurance of what I didn’t want.

I had kept the doors to my past open by holding onto the judgement of myself.

It was not some outside force that jailed me to suffering. It was the jail of my own unconscious self. It had died and surrounded me, creating a heavy net of my own doing.

I finally saw it. It took certain situations for me to resurrect again and realize.. I require to forgive all the past CHOICES (as I CHOOSE to use an alternate word to MISTAKES :).

They were wonderful learning experiences. I have learned I am responsible for every moment and every choice. There is no need to be a victim of circumstances that I have created… that would dumbfounding (literally).

And so… here and Now, I let this judgement dissolve!~
Let no one deem you as a victim, even yourself, of your own creations.

(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice of The Wounded Soul

Grant My Wish

Parked at the crosswalk,
to and fro, stalled
of where to go.

Must I remain singular
in a realm of polaric desires?

Grant my wish
..to lay the entire path.
No split or target; just a beam of no end nor beginnings
No chance to ask for permission…
And already, it was decided.

The walls began to build themselves long before we existed..

Where is the breath of remembered light?
We only¬†exist there…

(C) Jennifer Lee. The Voice of the Wounded Soul
You may share, as long as all proper credit is given to the creator, thank you.

The Gate

Shipments, travelers…

water… gas…

The guardian with a dark face; only the white robe speaks to you.

You can leave anytime you desire.

But the Gate¬†doesn’t recognize your return.

Don’t hold your magnets, child.

We only accept a naked mind.

(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice of The Wounded Soul
You may share, as long as all proper credit is given to the creator, thank you.

Love Is The Reality

It was painful for me to be around my mother, so I chose to run away.
Being around a mother that loved my sisters more
than she loved me felt like a huge betrayal; a cold burning in
the heart.

It was painful to see her afraid to speak up and take care of me, because
she was afraid of my stepfather’s reactions if he saw
my mother nurturing me.. so she would withhold the
love.

She would then give it to my sisters two-fold.
My sisters started to ignore me. They were modeling the actions of my mother.

I watched from afar; as she tried to hide her GUILT of doing this thinking no one would see, but it was so clear to me.

All those memories of me and my mother in my
younger years when it was just me and her felt so
heavy in my heart.

Our beautiful days of going to the park, travelling, celebrations, mother-daughter time..

I couldn’t explain the reasons behind why I was
running away or acting a certain way.
But I had always felt it every time I was around my
mother and my sisters at their house.

It was such a chronic and subtle distortion, as it crept up over many years; further she would grow from me, losing the bond of our closeness.. our sisterhood.

This pain translated to every area of my life.
I was eating poorly, unable to nurture my body, my
health.
I was disinterested in nourishment, feminine or
motherly ways.. I even thought being a woman was a
shame.
I had wanted to be a man.
I had cut my hair like a guy, almost bald.
I had bought boyish clothes, even worked at
masculine jobs- for a construction company and completely forget I was a female.

I took up computer technology, even gaming to
“show” others how much masculine I really was.. and
to “don’t mess with me, I’m tough” attitude.

I had forgotten the soft feminine power of an
awakened woman, that our creative abilities expand
into the life-giving womb we are gifted with.
I had neglected the skills of caring for others through
our gentle nature, yet it is this loving energy that
moves mountains.

I created an abode; an inner ashram within me as I went into the safety of my own ground during meditation. The more I went deeper into myself, the more love I found.

It was never about blaming my mother. I had allowed myself to be affected by her actions; taking in all her problems as my own..

So I gave it back to her.

She wanted it back.

And now I finally understand the reality of myself.
I couldn’t even see myself in the mirror in honest truth
that I AM a full woman.
I am no longer afraid or ashamed to be a woman.

It was actually a blessing that it occurred. For I had required time and space away from  genetic mayhem that was organizing in my life.

I was ready to let go of the desire for her to see me as someone worthy of her love. I didn’t care anymore. Whether she was going to keep wallowing in her own jail-of-guilt, or not, it wasn’t my responsibility to clean up her mess.

But it was my responsibility to forgive and return it back to her.
My life completely changed after this.

She contacted me one day after some time..
It was as though all of those imprints and entanglements between us dissolved.

We talked like best friends again.
We both knew silently that we love each other.
Our relationship transformed to one of mutual respect for each other.

My heart started to warm up again; not only from feeling the love FROM her,
but for being able to feel love FOR her freely, without any discordance!

To heal, is to let go..
All the stories of the hurt..

I decided to stop believing my history.
I decided to stop REACTing like a sick child.

There is infinite potential in the being present with a loved one.

All there is, is love.

~

(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice of The Wounded Soul
You may share, as long as all proper credit is given to the creator, thank you.