Internal Blades: Path to Sovereignty 

Closer and closer

I felt the sharp ends of the knives coming out of my stomach.

It started gradually when I began to become irritated by how my sister acts.

She is the kind of person that doesn’t answer in words and only uses growls, moans, or other primal sounds to reply, if any at all. Or she wouldn’t even reply and lets my questions hang until I repeatedly ask her to squeeze a reply from her, which gets tiring.

She also has this passive-aggressive thing where she always thinks she’s right and if I say anything that might conflict with her pre-conceived knowledge. She will argue with you and insist she isn’t arguing.

I noticed I started to forcefully demand her to change how she is because how she is, was irritating me.

I would demand a reply from her, and if she didn’t respond, I would get angry at her and give her an attitude.

I would tell her to learn her vocabulary because all her responses were just primitive sound tones and she needed to evolve.

But I realized she wasn’t the problem.

It was me.

The knives were getting larger and sharper in my stomach and they were starting to hurt me.

I experienced this before where I became so bothered with how the other person acted that I became so aggressive about it.

It might be because I’m so sensitive to how the other person is.

That’s my problem. But I can’t be numb either…

I just care too much.

I need to stop caring about other people and let go.

They are who they are, and I am who I am.

If I am to live where other people stop trying to control who I am, I must stop trying to control who they are too; it must start with me first..

I let myself become too dependent on others for my happiness.

I remembered again.. To live in sovereignty .

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I Let Go

Lately as I have been focusing on expressing myself even more verbally, I started seeing the deeper motives of others.

I started to become bitter, seeing the dark sides of people.

I then went into a container of thoughts that people should be more loving towards others. I then devised plans on how I could convince them to be a better person.
I had expected them to be gentle and nice to me.. Just because that was the right thing a moral person should do; and that they should be ethical.

In my mind of this perfect world where everyone followed all the rules of MY expectations, I had forgotten that this was where Control thrives.

This is where aggressive behaviour and victims breed. This was where the whole concept of Rank, authority over others and trying to have other people approve of you , is created.

This was not the world I intended to create… And through seeing what my own mind can manifest from cancerous thoughts, the cure was to do the opposite: let go.

No matter how many times I have arrived to this conclusion, and left it, I can only practice this as many times like a religion, to get it down to automatic action. Sometimes remembering this does not solve anything. Yet in choosing every moment of my life where the moment this situation occurs is the opportunity to go ahead and let go.. Let go of wanting people to be differently than who they are.

Because in truth, we are letting go of how WE want to ourselves to be.. Which is the freedom to accept others as who they are.. One of the best gifts you can give to anyone you know.

(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice Of The Wounded Soul
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