Portal in me

Feels like my physical body and this 3D reality is so jolly and happy and bouncy.

However…

Underneath this fake surface , I feel so dark and flat.

Underneath this fake image and fake smile is a perpetual massacre and tearing of all those things I despise.

Underneath this brilliant 3D floating clouds and smiley faces, I’m huddled in a cold corner in a dark room next to a small bed.

Underneath this 3D reality that I so deeply want to tear apart, gathers all of my loneliness, sadness, and abandonment.

When the time comes, I reach my brilliant arms into myself and pull my shriveled parts back out.

Yes, that’s right: when the time comes.

Understood

I’ve come to experience that there is only of being misunderstood.

All other labels of being

crazy

ill

Are inaccurate translations of what is..
Coming to blame the symptoms of something misunderstood is stupidity in the finger pointer

A shell that the person built not only keeping things out, but unfortunately keeping their gifts in.

A struggle to establish into this society 

A struggle to have a career in a field that is supposed to promote growth whilst being there

A struggle to fit into an outdated society based off competition and ego wars, where numbers matter more than people.

I don’t think I know too much… Rather more likely I understand too much and  allowing this fall into a state of forgiving love.

I even try not to , yet it must be who I am for it occurs so effortlessly; and is such vigorous effort to not be whom I am inside…

An epiphany to the one that cared too much.

Will-I am

The last couple years have been explosive.

In horrific and terrific ways all together.

Yet I’m at this point where it’s all going down to trash.

I’m at a loss of words for the inner heartbreak I’m feeling at the huge amount of effort I’ve put in to simply evolve my reality, and life experience, to an even better one.

Which seems so unreachable; or even if reachable, filled with suffering and games.

And I’m so fucking sick of games.

The same phrases:

 social niceties 

Social etiquettes

Socially accepted popular trends and how to be.

I’ve had enough of it.

Where do I fit in from here?

Why should I?

Job requests that want you to do well under pressure, yet tell you it’s a fun place to work…

These two obviously contradict each other.

And Well sure if you ENJOY being pushed and played games on all the time, then shit, go and work there because you believe “hard work” = suffering.

Or the conditioning that you must have long cute hair and act cute and change your voice to be softer and higher pitched for you to be the “alpha female” in a group of friends.

(Don’t say you or your friends aren’t like that, because you’re full of shit; you don’t even realize you change yourself around them because you’ve made it a habit)

Oh habits…
We are running into our own hellhole if we keep doing this.

And I sure hope we get there soon because I’d rather die than to suffer another moment.

Will, where are you?

Trusting Women

I began re-reading a book I hadn’t touched in half a year.

It’s called Your Soul’s Gift.

In one of the paragraphs it said:

You have attracted both positive and negative models of male energy in your life.

This invoked a deep contemplation in the type of men and women I’ve been attracting into MY life.

I knew that I attracted what I believed in, but this is different. This is something from the SOUL level.

No matter what I cleared on myself, this issue seemed to be EVERYWHERE and resistant to being healed.

I saw that clearing this issue from the individual incarnations still doesn’t go to the SOURCE of it; which stems from the soul.
I then took a deep hard look at the closest female figures in my life.

I simply didn’t trust women.

Something in me, would avoid women.

For one, my mom left a terrible impression and representation of a woman figure.
Here is the history.

She divorced my father when I was very young and held onto the grudge that he owed her money and child support.

So she took it out on ME and LIMITED what she would normally give, as a PARENT to a young child.

Amidst this entanglement, my father was not able to work because he developed CANCER.

But, that reason was not good enough for her and she chose to hold onto the notion that HE OWES HER.

Over time, she saw me as my father…

And decided on her own, that I OWED HER.

When I turned 7, she married another man… FOR MONEY.
When I was 11, after we’ve moved into a new home, she began showing more prominently, subservient attitudes to my stepfather and held his words more important than her’s and my own.

As my younger half-sisters grew older, I watched as my mother gave up her VOICE in exchange for APPROVAL from them, so in turn my stepfather would approve HER, and GIVE HER MORE MONEY.

She would allow my half sisters’ authority over common sense, for fear of my stepfather.

I watched as my mother began worshipping my half sisters and stepfather.

I became the outcast of the family, the only one with a different last name in the household.

Eventually my mother wanted rent from me to live there, so I left.
After that, I’ve been noticing that I was attracting different types of women that were similar to my mother.

No matter how many energetic hearings I would do, it only had a minimal effect.

Until I realized this is something from the SOUL level.
Only a few years ago, did I start attracting higher frequency women into my life on a more regular basis.

I saw that what I required to do, is create new relationships with higher frequency women and release all the negative women appearing in my life, which is simply a reflection of the state of my inner feminine wholeness.

My resultant manifestations of the men and women in my life NOW, is from past choices and relations manifesting into my 3D life now.

And so it begins.

I quit my job

I left my job in what I consider, in a graceful manner,

as I made the choice with conscious intent, and not from emotional reasons, I had felt in the days after somehow “bad” about it.

It was this lingering sadness of leaving a system that didn’t feel right.

I noticed specific patterns playing out that led to this event.

Even though deep down I knew I had quit the job long before I actually told my manager.

I started to clean the desk weeks prior.

I guess you could say I was looking for a confirmation to make my move, or wait till I was absolutely sure. However it didn’t occur that way.

I was sure before I knew it.

These feelings of sadness; of a loss, of a missed opportunity to have done things better.

These feelings of fear of loss of direction.

I’m glad they came up.

For me to release them. I no longer desire to carry any of this.

I no longer desired to work in an environment that opposes teamwork, that opposes cooperation, that opposes speaking up, and opposes abundance.

I know now this choice is not something to be guilty or sad over. That was the transitional emotion; one that came up to release forever.

Even though my manager followed me to the break room, sat down and cried “you know how much I did for you!? I wrote you 2 personal letters.. And I never done that to anyone. No one.. Only you.”

I cried too. I cried not at her sacrifice, but at the manifestation of this pattern that has been imprisoning her to experience betrayals; and this time through my presence.

I cried upon seeing her perceived loss of me leaving. I felt this sadness, yet love for her that my soul whispers how much I love her and appreciate her, yet her being blinded upon imprints activating.

However, I let this go. This is not a sad choice I made.

Far away from what it appears.

I’m free. I’m finally free.