It was painful for me to be around my mother, so I chose to run away.
Being around a mother that loved my sisters more
than she loved me felt like a huge betrayal; a cold burning in
It was painful to see her afraid to speak up and take care of me, because
she was afraid of my stepfather’s reactions if he saw
my mother nurturing me.. so she would withhold the
She would then give it to my sisters two-fold.
My sisters started to ignore me. They were modeling the actions of my mother.
I watched from afar; as she tried to hide her GUILT of doing this thinking no one would see, but it was so clear to me.
All those memories of me and my mother in my
younger years when it was just me and her felt so
heavy in my heart.
Our beautiful days of going to the park, travelling, celebrations, mother-daughter time..
I couldn’t explain the reasons behind why I was
running away or acting a certain way.
But I had always felt it every time I was around my
mother and my sisters at their house.
It was such a chronic and subtle distortion, as it crept up over many years; further she would grow from me, losing the bond of our closeness.. our sisterhood.
This pain translated to every area of my life.
I was eating poorly, unable to nurture my body, my
I was disinterested in nourishment, feminine or
motherly ways.. I even thought being a woman was a
I had wanted to be a man.
I had cut my hair like a guy, almost bald.
I had bought boyish clothes, even worked at
masculine jobs- for a construction company and completely forget I was a female.
I took up computer technology, even gaming to
“show” others how much masculine I really was.. and
to “don’t mess with me, I’m tough” attitude.
I had forgotten the soft feminine power of an
awakened woman, that our creative abilities expand
into the life-giving womb we are gifted with.
I had neglected the skills of caring for others through
our gentle nature, yet it is this loving energy that
I created an abode; an inner ashram within me as I went into the safety of my own ground during meditation. The more I went deeper into myself, the more love I found.
It was never about blaming my mother. I had allowed myself to be affected by her actions; taking in all her problems as my own..
So I gave it back to her.
She wanted it back.
And now I finally understand the reality of myself.
I couldn’t even see myself in the mirror in honest truth
that I AM a full woman.
I am no longer afraid or ashamed to be a woman.
It was actually a blessing that it occurred. For I had required time and space away from genetic mayhem that was organizing in my life.
I was ready to let go of the desire for her to see me as someone worthy of her love. I didn’t care anymore. Whether she was going to keep wallowing in her own jail-of-guilt, or not, it wasn’t my responsibility to clean up her mess.
But it was my responsibility to forgive and return it back to her.
My life completely changed after this.
She contacted me one day after some time..
It was as though all of those imprints and entanglements between us dissolved.
We talked like best friends again.
We both knew silently that we love each other.
Our relationship transformed to one of mutual respect for each other.
My heart started to warm up again; not only from feeling the love FROM her,
but for being able to feel love FOR her freely, without any discordance!
To heal, is to let go..
All the stories of the hurt..
I decided to stop believing my history.
I decided to stop REACTing like a sick child.
There is infinite potential in the being present with a loved one.
All there is, is love.
(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice of The Wounded Soul
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