May 5th… 8:39pm

Cinco de mayo…. stayed at home all day…
Slept most of the day
Feeling “shelled”
Like wanting to hide away from the world
Had these dreams based on the hopes of the past
But they’re still based on the past
Feeling stagnated
Where am I going
I must make a decision
Even if I move to the physical vicinity of my friends,

If my mind isn’t near them, it wouldn’t matter how close I was to them;
I’d be Unreachable
What is the motivation?
Depressed
Not feeling wanted or worth anything
If I had a problem, I would never resort to ineffective solutions to solve it.
I’d go for the ultimate solution.
Weak substitutes are like an insult to human capabilities of success in a challenge
I would never try to use that as a replacement
And I would never dabble with knowing the solution yet being incapable of executing it…
That’s a sick torture
What is the point of these depressed phases I go through?
How can it end once and for all?
I have not gained any known benefit from this other than numb suffering 
Time is going like water nowadays
Help me make my next jump

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La Habra

I attended my 4th day of tax school on Thursday.

Everywhere there are clues that people are tired of the 8-5 or 9-6 boxed schedule and yesterday confirmed it.

We were talking about how we were being taxed if we earned income from YouTube and everyone in the class voiced how much they are tired of being slaves to the current work system, including the teacher.

I’m going to find the way out of this jail set-up we’ve all been so used to.

They say when man becomes so used to danger he has lost his way and gives up obtaining freedom in exchange for false safety; a jail system he falls in love with. A cage he molds into and atrophied through time. It’s happened on a worldwide scale.

But I’m one of those that won’t accept this control..

Internal Blades: Path to Sovereignty 

Closer and closer

I felt the sharp ends of the knives coming out of my stomach.

It started gradually when I began to become irritated by how my sister acts.

She is the kind of person that doesn’t answer in words and only uses growls, moans, or other primal sounds to reply, if any at all. Or she wouldn’t even reply and lets my questions hang until I repeatedly ask her to squeeze a reply from her, which gets tiring.

She also has this passive-aggressive thing where she always thinks she’s right and if I say anything that might conflict with her pre-conceived knowledge. She will argue with you and insist she isn’t arguing.

I noticed I started to forcefully demand her to change how she is because how she is, was irritating me.

I would demand a reply from her, and if she didn’t respond, I would get angry at her and give her an attitude.

I would tell her to learn her vocabulary because all her responses were just primitive sound tones and she needed to evolve.

But I realized she wasn’t the problem.

It was me.

The knives were getting larger and sharper in my stomach and they were starting to hurt me.

I experienced this before where I became so bothered with how the other person acted that I became so aggressive about it.

It might be because I’m so sensitive to how the other person is.

That’s my problem. But I can’t be numb either…

I just care too much.

I need to stop caring about other people and let go.

They are who they are, and I am who I am.

If I am to live where other people stop trying to control who I am, I must stop trying to control who they are too; it must start with me first..

I let myself become too dependent on others for my happiness.

I remembered again.. To live in sovereignty .

Moment of Fear

Again,

The feeling returned.

I felt unwanted.

Useless.

It was dumb of me to trigger it by trying to help the same guy that disrespects me and says I’m unworthy.

The help that triggered him to say,”what are you doing? I don’t want this shit, get out of here! Don’t touch my stuff, stop trying to make me have an accident.”

The same words that drop the weight onto my purpose of living.

I was trying to help, but always, they always think I’m trying to make them have an accident.

Why are people afraid of me?

Why don’t people trust me?

What have I ever done wrong to them?

They always think I’m the evil one and gather in their circles to push me away.

It almost makes me want to slaughter them just because they so strongly believe me to be evil…

It’s as if, because they keep believing I’m evil, that I want to become evil and show them how right they are for supporting such an ill vision of their fears.

I guess I can’t help being a living embodiment of people’s fears…

People hate fear

People hate me

Cause I am FEAR

Anvil-shaped Heart

Getting up, going against the white waters.

Getting food, going against the waterfall.

Going against life..

But I can’t go with the flow.. I’ll be washed into the homeless lands

My flow is different than yours.

If I let go, I won’t get up to eat.

If I stop trying, I’ll lay in bed all day forgetting I have a stomach to feed.

But if I keep trying, fighting to live, I suffer.

I don’t even fight to live anymore.

That part of me doesn’t exist/ doesn’t care.

I stopped trying.

I float in this world like a …?

Why should I get a job? Couldn’t I just lay here until I parish in my room? I’m not even worried… I can’t even feel it.

How many times I get a job only to be released a year or less later?

I can’t even do my job right. I lose motivation so quickly because everything’s so corrupted; who in their right minds would stay and kiss up?

What’s the point?

I’m not getting anywhere.

Might as well work a part-time job somewhere in some store.

Do I even want to?

Who cares if I was in sales?

How can an unmotivated person be in sales? I can’t anymore.

All those years of sales experience goes down the drain.

What’s my meaning of life? So far trying to survive. How can that be a purpose for me? Who cares..?

Too many questions, never an answer…

You’re not here.

Stop making me go through this shit. It’s making me want to kill myself.

Soul GPS

I want to let my desires become expressed..Yet here comes the labeling again.
Between sky and land, there’s a hidden realm .
Accusations and categorizations of what people believe I am, or where I belong..
Yet when they keep refusing to see the 3rd land, they’re stuck in the right and wrong.
There can be no progress in runarounds of polarity until the Perspective is transcended to the ethereal.
I remember now, I am of the Order of the Heart, and whatever lies between Core and Blackhole does not change my inner essence… My inner map.

Ugly

There’s like a fist somewhere floating in the ethereal realm that crosses to the real world , each one clenching someone’s gut and threatening anyone that tries to speak of the ugly truth.

People are so afraid of speaking up and auto-police themselves.

“Run away”

 but it always chases you.

They’re so afraid of being different so they become like everyone else..

Following fake rules of social etiquettes where “You can’t say that” is their first amendment.

We are everywhere.

We are your reality.

In the end, it’s judgement. 

And once that’s gone, there’s only truth. 

Hideousness and beauty doesn’t even exist.

Rules

I thought about it and the ONE thing that I despise about this world is RULES.

Made-up rules that make up the system.

And this whole system is completely filled with nonsensical rules.

Rules that are like restrictions that chain me down and prevent me from my FREEDOM.

Some asshole randomly comes up with these rules to satisfy their CRAVINGS for CONTROL..

That’s how I feel about SCHOOLS aka herd-mentality training.

Someone decides to create a school system where YOU need to fall into their made-up aptitude categorization and submit your own worth to them; letting them determine how much you’re worth based on how much you’re filled with their knowledge.

“Oh that’s the company policy. That’s why you can’t.”

Just FOLLOW AND FIT INTO THEIR SYSTEM, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS, OTHERWISE YOU’RE A FAILURE.

You can’t design your own life anymore, you have to live the life someone else designed for you. And this one’s filled with 

WORK

WORK

WORK

POVERTY

WORK

DIE

I’m not being difficult, I simply have eyes that see…

Something’s wrong

I watched as my coworker easily got things done… 

He is easily the top salesman in our company.

He even showed me his progress for gaming. High levels, advanced progress and excellent items. Not only being the best in our branch office, but the best in gaming too.

How does one summon such virility and drive for even such minute goals?

Why is it that this guy can have so much drive and INTEREST in life?

I know for a fact he does not do drugs, only drinks and has a wife and kid.

Whilst I’m over here trying to numb myself from the agony of life.

Going through life is a pain in the ass for me.

Bills, shallow people, deceptive manipulators that take advantage of people, asshole primitive managers, greedy money-hungry parents whom look at your birth as a ROI, the landlord that can’t keep their dog shut , customers that are cheapasses and give you a hard time and bargain the shit out of you, dirty cars, fucking spiders in the house, and lastly, trying to find any ounce of motivation to get me through this bullshit on a regular basis.

I’m having a hard time enjoying my time here..

Life’s a blur.

A Meaningless hole full of annoying circumstances and unreachable desires.

A game of who can toy with who the most.

Being played by the ones with less IQ yet somehow manages to earn a higher salary..

I don’t give a shit anymore

Extreme Friendship

Not sure how to explain this, but I feel like I can’t fully express myself due to the extremely large variety of friends I have.

I have friends that lean towards spiritual, religious and I have friends that are totally atheist , or friends that are vulgar, or friends that are gay, or friends that have specific political views. I have friends that smoke, smoke weed, sniff crack, drink and do shrooms. I have friends that own their own business, are cashiers, are still living in their car and friends that already bought a house with kids and well off.

And if I post something on Facebook, for example, it WILL fall into some category which will irk a certain group of friends.

I like vulgar comedy like Ugly Americans and at the same time I listen to Sanskrit chants.

I like to eat organic, vegan, raw, juice and super healthy foods and at the same time I’d go out and buy chili cheese fries and a burger without a 2nd thought.

I’d play computer/cell phone games and sometimes I invest in cheats, and at the same time I don’t mind playing a game without assisted guidance, and at the same time I like to work out my upper, core and lower bodies.

I’d listen to System of a Down and Underoath, and at the same time I listen to country, or dance/trance.. pop, punk, etc..

I have friends that are virgins and goody daddy’s girls with uber good grades, and at the same time I have friends that never finished college, hate school, and party all the time.

My own appearance would put in the “Academically Advanced with scholarships “, but I don’t always feel like how I appear.

Maybe I’m too worried about what other’s think or maybe some people need to open their minds and learn how to coexist…