May 5th… 8:39pm

Cinco de mayo…. stayed at home all day…
Slept most of the day
Feeling “shelled”
Like wanting to hide away from the world
Had these dreams based on the hopes of the past
But they’re still based on the past
Feeling stagnated
Where am I going
I must make a decision
Even if I move to the physical vicinity of my friends,

If my mind isn’t near them, it wouldn’t matter how close I was to them;
I’d be Unreachable
What is the motivation?
Depressed
Not feeling wanted or worth anything
If I had a problem, I would never resort to ineffective solutions to solve it.
I’d go for the ultimate solution.
Weak substitutes are like an insult to human capabilities of success in a challenge
I would never try to use that as a replacement
And I would never dabble with knowing the solution yet being incapable of executing it…
That’s a sick torture
What is the point of these depressed phases I go through?
How can it end once and for all?
I have not gained any known benefit from this other than numb suffering 
Time is going like water nowadays
Help me make my next jump

Reset Button

“Things always get worse before they get better.”

Last night I met with my friend whom I haven’t spoken in almost a year.

He reminded me the importance of meditation.

I realized I’d fallen into that codependent swirl down the drain again.

It clicked so hard.

I’d given myself away so much I was getting lost and depressed.

I was getting addicted to being with other people even if they pissed me off.

I’m glad I stopped myself before I dissipated into nothingness.

I was becoming the energy that I hated: neediness.

And now I’m totally at peace.. Cleaning myself up from that deadly Fibonacci  spiral.

Meditation… It works.

It’s my reset button.

Rules

I thought about it and the ONE thing that I despise about this world is RULES.

Made-up rules that make up the system.

And this whole system is completely filled with nonsensical rules.

Rules that are like restrictions that chain me down and prevent me from my FREEDOM.

Some asshole randomly comes up with these rules to satisfy their CRAVINGS for CONTROL..

That’s how I feel about SCHOOLS aka herd-mentality training.

Someone decides to create a school system where YOU need to fall into their made-up aptitude categorization and submit your own worth to them; letting them determine how much you’re worth based on how much you’re filled with their knowledge.

“Oh that’s the company policy. That’s why you can’t.”

Just FOLLOW AND FIT INTO THEIR SYSTEM, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS, OTHERWISE YOU’RE A FAILURE.

You can’t design your own life anymore, you have to live the life someone else designed for you. And this one’s filled with 

WORK

WORK

WORK

POVERTY

WORK

DIE

I’m not being difficult, I simply have eyes that see…

Extreme Friendship

Not sure how to explain this, but I feel like I can’t fully express myself due to the extremely large variety of friends I have.

I have friends that lean towards spiritual, religious and I have friends that are totally atheist , or friends that are vulgar, or friends that are gay, or friends that have specific political views. I have friends that smoke, smoke weed, sniff crack, drink and do shrooms. I have friends that own their own business, are cashiers, are still living in their car and friends that already bought a house with kids and well off.

And if I post something on Facebook, for example, it WILL fall into some category which will irk a certain group of friends.

I like vulgar comedy like Ugly Americans and at the same time I listen to Sanskrit chants.

I like to eat organic, vegan, raw, juice and super healthy foods and at the same time I’d go out and buy chili cheese fries and a burger without a 2nd thought.

I’d play computer/cell phone games and sometimes I invest in cheats, and at the same time I don’t mind playing a game without assisted guidance, and at the same time I like to work out my upper, core and lower bodies.

I’d listen to System of a Down and Underoath, and at the same time I listen to country, or dance/trance.. pop, punk, etc..

I have friends that are virgins and goody daddy’s girls with uber good grades, and at the same time I have friends that never finished college, hate school, and party all the time.

My own appearance would put in the “Academically Advanced with scholarships “, but I don’t always feel like how I appear.

Maybe I’m too worried about what other’s think or maybe some people need to open their minds and learn how to coexist…

Trusting Women

I began re-reading a book I hadn’t touched in half a year.

It’s called Your Soul’s Gift.

In one of the paragraphs it said:

You have attracted both positive and negative models of male energy in your life.

This invoked a deep contemplation in the type of men and women I’ve been attracting into MY life.

I knew that I attracted what I believed in, but this is different. This is something from the SOUL level.

No matter what I cleared on myself, this issue seemed to be EVERYWHERE and resistant to being healed.

I saw that clearing this issue from the individual incarnations still doesn’t go to the SOURCE of it; which stems from the soul.
I then took a deep hard look at the closest female figures in my life.

I simply didn’t trust women.

Something in me, would avoid women.

For one, my mom left a terrible impression and representation of a woman figure.
Here is the history.

She divorced my father when I was very young and held onto the grudge that he owed her money and child support.

So she took it out on ME and LIMITED what she would normally give, as a PARENT to a young child.

Amidst this entanglement, my father was not able to work because he developed CANCER.

But, that reason was not good enough for her and she chose to hold onto the notion that HE OWES HER.

Over time, she saw me as my father…

And decided on her own, that I OWED HER.

When I turned 7, she married another man… FOR MONEY.
When I was 11, after we’ve moved into a new home, she began showing more prominently, subservient attitudes to my stepfather and held his words more important than her’s and my own.

As my younger half-sisters grew older, I watched as my mother gave up her VOICE in exchange for APPROVAL from them, so in turn my stepfather would approve HER, and GIVE HER MORE MONEY.

She would allow my half sisters’ authority over common sense, for fear of my stepfather.

I watched as my mother began worshipping my half sisters and stepfather.

I became the outcast of the family, the only one with a different last name in the household.

Eventually my mother wanted rent from me to live there, so I left.
After that, I’ve been noticing that I was attracting different types of women that were similar to my mother.

No matter how many energetic hearings I would do, it only had a minimal effect.

Until I realized this is something from the SOUL level.
Only a few years ago, did I start attracting higher frequency women into my life on a more regular basis.

I saw that what I required to do, is create new relationships with higher frequency women and release all the negative women appearing in my life, which is simply a reflection of the state of my inner feminine wholeness.

My resultant manifestations of the men and women in my life NOW, is from past choices and relations manifesting into my 3D life now.

And so it begins.