May 5th… 8:39pm

Cinco de mayo…. stayed at home all day…
Slept most of the day
Feeling “shelled”
Like wanting to hide away from the world
Had these dreams based on the hopes of the past
But they’re still based on the past
Feeling stagnated
Where am I going
I must make a decision
Even if I move to the physical vicinity of my friends,

If my mind isn’t near them, it wouldn’t matter how close I was to them;
I’d be Unreachable
What is the motivation?
Depressed
Not feeling wanted or worth anything
If I had a problem, I would never resort to ineffective solutions to solve it.
I’d go for the ultimate solution.
Weak substitutes are like an insult to human capabilities of success in a challenge
I would never try to use that as a replacement
And I would never dabble with knowing the solution yet being incapable of executing it…
That’s a sick torture
What is the point of these depressed phases I go through?
How can it end once and for all?
I have not gained any known benefit from this other than numb suffering 
Time is going like water nowadays
Help me make my next jump

Ladder

Things not going my wayThings out of order

Always something gone wrong
Things causing disturbances and irritation

People that want to argue with you thinking they’re right
People that don’t listen to you and ask you what you said so you repeat yourself 3 times
People that say they need to bring all their baggage to the beach and make you carry all their stuff
People that can’t throw away their junk in the house and make you accommodate to their limited space
People that accuse you of doing something and insist they are accurate when you had nothing to do with it..
People that can’t and won’t control their dogs from overstepping personal boundaries…
Why is life so irritating??!
People that sit around in their office all day making money and not doing shit, yet have authority over people doing all the work and having a better lifestyle than them??
Corporations of real estate that overcharge housing prices so the middle-aged men can get extra profit , whilst the buyer had to pay a premium just to get a simple house???
Who invented this shit?

Who is benefitting this system??
They need to retire and go to hell.

The new generation is here

And we are not happy with your creations

Anvil-shaped Heart

Getting up, going against the white waters.

Getting food, going against the waterfall.

Going against life..

But I can’t go with the flow.. I’ll be washed into the homeless lands

My flow is different than yours.

If I let go, I won’t get up to eat.

If I stop trying, I’ll lay in bed all day forgetting I have a stomach to feed.

But if I keep trying, fighting to live, I suffer.

I don’t even fight to live anymore.

That part of me doesn’t exist/ doesn’t care.

I stopped trying.

I float in this world like a …?

Why should I get a job? Couldn’t I just lay here until I parish in my room? I’m not even worried… I can’t even feel it.

How many times I get a job only to be released a year or less later?

I can’t even do my job right. I lose motivation so quickly because everything’s so corrupted; who in their right minds would stay and kiss up?

What’s the point?

I’m not getting anywhere.

Might as well work a part-time job somewhere in some store.

Do I even want to?

Who cares if I was in sales?

How can an unmotivated person be in sales? I can’t anymore.

All those years of sales experience goes down the drain.

What’s my meaning of life? So far trying to survive. How can that be a purpose for me? Who cares..?

Too many questions, never an answer…

You’re not here.

Stop making me go through this shit. It’s making me want to kill myself.

Where Am I going?

“I have a problem that I can not explain…

I have no reason why it should have been so plain…

Have no questions but I sure have excuse..

I lack the reason why I should be so confused…”

(Repeat 999999 times in your head)

-System of A Down- roulette