Eyeless Thought

Gray.

I can’t see it.

Can’t see my future.

I try and nothing.

Cannot go beyond the moment…

It always ends in the blurry Now.
What do I even Want?

I can’t feel it.

Try and nothing.

Cannot go beyond this moment…

Only to Want it to end.

(C) The Voice of the Wounded Soul

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Reset Button

“Things always get worse before they get better.”

Last night I met with my friend whom I haven’t spoken in almost a year.

He reminded me the importance of meditation.

I realized I’d fallen into that codependent swirl down the drain again.

It clicked so hard.

I’d given myself away so much I was getting lost and depressed.

I was getting addicted to being with other people even if they pissed me off.

I’m glad I stopped myself before I dissipated into nothingness.

I was becoming the energy that I hated: neediness.

And now I’m totally at peace.. Cleaning myself up from that deadly Fibonacci  spiral.

Meditation… It works.

It’s my reset button.

Something’s wrong

I watched as my coworker easily got things done… 

He is easily the top salesman in our company.

He even showed me his progress for gaming. High levels, advanced progress and excellent items. Not only being the best in our branch office, but the best in gaming too.

How does one summon such virility and drive for even such minute goals?

Why is it that this guy can have so much drive and INTEREST in life?

I know for a fact he does not do drugs, only drinks and has a wife and kid.

Whilst I’m over here trying to numb myself from the agony of life.

Going through life is a pain in the ass for me.

Bills, shallow people, deceptive manipulators that take advantage of people, asshole primitive managers, greedy money-hungry parents whom look at your birth as a ROI, the landlord that can’t keep their dog shut , customers that are cheapasses and give you a hard time and bargain the shit out of you, dirty cars, fucking spiders in the house, and lastly, trying to find any ounce of motivation to get me through this bullshit on a regular basis.

I’m having a hard time enjoying my time here..

Life’s a blur.

A Meaningless hole full of annoying circumstances and unreachable desires.

A game of who can toy with who the most.

Being played by the ones with less IQ yet somehow manages to earn a higher salary..

I don’t give a shit anymore

Job Ethics

It’s Monday.

This morning I woke up with the intention of actually getting to work on time.
I had completed my late-night meditation to ease my inner emotions..

On Friday at my job, I kind of “blew up” at a meeting in front of all the Sale’s department because I let myself get too involved with trying to change other people.

The company I work for had begun to present many aspects of, from my perspective, unethical work practices and favoritism to certain employees based on how the managers like them. Although unspoken of, I clearly saw a more likeness if they spoke cantonese, and is more of a native Hong Kong blood.  I wanted them to be ethical. I had begun to place expectations that they should be.

While I had been observing this for about 1 year that this has been occurring, I started taking it personal lately when an employee that sits right behind me was being gifted with many good leads, while I was not being given any.

I knew this because I could hear exactly what was going on when new customers at my job create an online account, there are certain words that will be said; such as “I’m calling because you recently created an account online…”

During the meeting as the managers were speaking about how they were being VERY fair in distributing online leads evenly to all the Sales, I felt this dark red anger start to boil up.

Specifically my “boss” lady that had hired me. Multiple times I caught her try to cover up or do some kind of covert/ manipulative tactic to try to gain an advantage and present it as “luck”. She would keep all the good leads to herself and magically all of her leads were buyers.

First of all, this kind of bypass over ethics clearly does not work with me. I am utterly keen at detecting any kind of fishy operations. I’ve created my sense facilities to operate this way. Like a dog and its nose.

As my Sales Manager started touting her “motivational speech” about how she is so good to all of us and fair, I couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

When the other manager asked if we had any questions, I finally raised my hand and told them what I had experienced: the uneven distribution of leads.

I literally asked them many direct questions: “If you are saying that you’re very fair, then why is it that I hear her (that employee behind me) getting at least 3 leads in a month and I got 0?”

To my surprise, one of the new guys said out loud that I didn’t have the skill to take care of this new lead, that’s probably why the manager gave it to someone “better” than me.

The Product Manager says to everyone and me in the room: “We feel that SHE deserves it and you don’t.”

I ended up taking the morning off from work today even though I had started my morning routine earlier than usual. I needed some time to contemplate my life situation that I am responsible for creating here. There is always pros and cons. I see the good side to everyone at my job. I really want to agree and support my managers, however I truly cannot agree with unethical favoritisms and unfair acts or advantages.

I really wanted to make this work. This job offers such a great opportunity to hone my Sales skills. It seems that the moment I had decided to get INTO this job in the first place resonated with these types of peoples and a terrible system of operation. What I’ve learned is that one cannot change others, change must be in myself.

(c) The Voice of The Wounded Soul