Reset Button

“Things always get worse before they get better.”

Last night I met with my friend whom I haven’t spoken in almost a year.

He reminded me the importance of meditation.

I realized I’d fallen into that codependent swirl down the drain again.

It clicked so hard.

I’d given myself away so much I was getting lost and depressed.

I was getting addicted to being with other people even if they pissed me off.

I’m glad I stopped myself before I dissipated into nothingness.

I was becoming the energy that I hated: neediness.

And now I’m totally at peace.. Cleaning myself up from that deadly Fibonacci  spiral.

Meditation… It works.

It’s my reset button.

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Trusting Women

I began re-reading a book I hadn’t touched in half a year.

It’s called Your Soul’s Gift.

In one of the paragraphs it said:

You have attracted both positive and negative models of male energy in your life.

This invoked a deep contemplation in the type of men and women I’ve been attracting into MY life.

I knew that I attracted what I believed in, but this is different. This is something from the SOUL level.

No matter what I cleared on myself, this issue seemed to be EVERYWHERE and resistant to being healed.

I saw that clearing this issue from the individual incarnations still doesn’t go to the SOURCE of it; which stems from the soul.
I then took a deep hard look at the closest female figures in my life.

I simply didn’t trust women.

Something in me, would avoid women.

For one, my mom left a terrible impression and representation of a woman figure.
Here is the history.

She divorced my father when I was very young and held onto the grudge that he owed her money and child support.

So she took it out on ME and LIMITED what she would normally give, as a PARENT to a young child.

Amidst this entanglement, my father was not able to work because he developed CANCER.

But, that reason was not good enough for her and she chose to hold onto the notion that HE OWES HER.

Over time, she saw me as my father…

And decided on her own, that I OWED HER.

When I turned 7, she married another man… FOR MONEY.
When I was 11, after we’ve moved into a new home, she began showing more prominently, subservient attitudes to my stepfather and held his words more important than her’s and my own.

As my younger half-sisters grew older, I watched as my mother gave up her VOICE in exchange for APPROVAL from them, so in turn my stepfather would approve HER, and GIVE HER MORE MONEY.

She would allow my half sisters’ authority over common sense, for fear of my stepfather.

I watched as my mother began worshipping my half sisters and stepfather.

I became the outcast of the family, the only one with a different last name in the household.

Eventually my mother wanted rent from me to live there, so I left.
After that, I’ve been noticing that I was attracting different types of women that were similar to my mother.

No matter how many energetic hearings I would do, it only had a minimal effect.

Until I realized this is something from the SOUL level.
Only a few years ago, did I start attracting higher frequency women into my life on a more regular basis.

I saw that what I required to do, is create new relationships with higher frequency women and release all the negative women appearing in my life, which is simply a reflection of the state of my inner feminine wholeness.

My resultant manifestations of the men and women in my life NOW, is from past choices and relations manifesting into my 3D life now.

And so it begins.

Forgiving The Grudges… of Myself

As I invested many years of my energy to the point of obsessively doing healing sessions, certifications on healing, healing programs, meditations, books, etc. in order to relinquish the past baggage, I had forgotten the key that truly unlocks the door to the path forward, and most importantly: Locks the door to the past.

Whenever I would look back on what I did wrong, or how I could have done it better, my intention was to seek the error that could be corrected and in all honesty learn from my mistakes.

Yet this habit became a sort of automation that took on more of a trigger-reaction role, than a conscious choice.

As I kept up the routine of hunting down every possible mistake and criticizing myself for not being perfect, I began to see all the faults of myself and others that I longed to rid myself of. The fault was all I saw.

I wanted so strongly to move on from my past, yet nothing worked.

But it was this input of not wanting my past that energized the continual re-occurance of what I didn’t want.

I had kept the doors to my past open by holding onto the judgement of myself.

It was not some outside force that jailed me to suffering. It was the jail of my own unconscious self. It had died and surrounded me, creating a heavy net of my own doing.

I finally saw it. It took certain situations for me to resurrect again and realize.. I require to forgive all the past CHOICES (as I CHOOSE to use an alternate word to MISTAKES :).

They were wonderful learning experiences. I have learned I am responsible for every moment and every choice. There is no need to be a victim of circumstances that I have created… that would dumbfounding (literally).

And so… here and Now, I let this judgement dissolve!~
Let no one deem you as a victim, even yourself, of your own creations.

(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice of The Wounded Soul

Love Is The Reality

It was painful for me to be around my mother, so I chose to run away.
Being around a mother that loved my sisters more
than she loved me felt like a huge betrayal; a cold burning in
the heart.

It was painful to see her afraid to speak up and take care of me, because
she was afraid of my stepfather’s reactions if he saw
my mother nurturing me.. so she would withhold the
love.

She would then give it to my sisters two-fold.
My sisters started to ignore me. They were modeling the actions of my mother.

I watched from afar; as she tried to hide her GUILT of doing this thinking no one would see, but it was so clear to me.

All those memories of me and my mother in my
younger years when it was just me and her felt so
heavy in my heart.

Our beautiful days of going to the park, travelling, celebrations, mother-daughter time..

I couldn’t explain the reasons behind why I was
running away or acting a certain way.
But I had always felt it every time I was around my
mother and my sisters at their house.

It was such a chronic and subtle distortion, as it crept up over many years; further she would grow from me, losing the bond of our closeness.. our sisterhood.

This pain translated to every area of my life.
I was eating poorly, unable to nurture my body, my
health.
I was disinterested in nourishment, feminine or
motherly ways.. I even thought being a woman was a
shame.
I had wanted to be a man.
I had cut my hair like a guy, almost bald.
I had bought boyish clothes, even worked at
masculine jobs- for a construction company and completely forget I was a female.

I took up computer technology, even gaming to
“show” others how much masculine I really was.. and
to “don’t mess with me, I’m tough” attitude.

I had forgotten the soft feminine power of an
awakened woman, that our creative abilities expand
into the life-giving womb we are gifted with.
I had neglected the skills of caring for others through
our gentle nature, yet it is this loving energy that
moves mountains.

I created an abode; an inner ashram within me as I went into the safety of my own ground during meditation. The more I went deeper into myself, the more love I found.

It was never about blaming my mother. I had allowed myself to be affected by her actions; taking in all her problems as my own..

So I gave it back to her.

She wanted it back.

And now I finally understand the reality of myself.
I couldn’t even see myself in the mirror in honest truth
that I AM a full woman.
I am no longer afraid or ashamed to be a woman.

It was actually a blessing that it occurred. For I had required time and space away from  genetic mayhem that was organizing in my life.

I was ready to let go of the desire for her to see me as someone worthy of her love. I didn’t care anymore. Whether she was going to keep wallowing in her own jail-of-guilt, or not, it wasn’t my responsibility to clean up her mess.

But it was my responsibility to forgive and return it back to her.
My life completely changed after this.

She contacted me one day after some time..
It was as though all of those imprints and entanglements between us dissolved.

We talked like best friends again.
We both knew silently that we love each other.
Our relationship transformed to one of mutual respect for each other.

My heart started to warm up again; not only from feeling the love FROM her,
but for being able to feel love FOR her freely, without any discordance!

To heal, is to let go..
All the stories of the hurt..

I decided to stop believing my history.
I decided to stop REACTing like a sick child.

There is infinite potential in the being present with a loved one.

All there is, is love.

~

(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice of The Wounded Soul
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