As far back as I remember, my father would use excessive care-taking tactics which would convert to some form of excessive control. I have only lived with him for a few years of my life, yet these years were excellent learning experiences as I started to stand up for my own rights as a human being.
For those years of my life living with him, I noticed I kept saying to myself: “It’s just for a little while..” or “It’s okay, I just have to tolerate it.. I know he doesn’t mean all those violent words..” or “He’s just not feeling well, he is my dad anyways.. and I am the daughter…” and many other “dis-empowerment programs”. He would call me all kinds of degrading names and treat me like a dog. Disrespectfully entitle himself to go into my room and invade privacy or dictate ownership over my things.
By the way, I am a legal adult.
Little did I know, that all those thoughts to stay with him were my own self-created Jail. It stopped me from standing up for myself. It stopped me from knowing how I truly felt, by saying things that would “make him happy”. Everytime I spoke about my own thoughts, there would be some kind of degrading from my father. It was as if he owned me and I was not allowed to say anything. It also stopped me from gaining more response-ability to step up and say No to allowing this situation to continue.
It didn’t matter if he had a place for me temporarily due to economical reasons.
It didn’t matter if he was my dad.
It didn’t matter if … anything.
One day I came home from a trip out of country late at night and I returned to his home where I stayed at the time. He had locked the door using a lock which I have no key to. I decided it was time for me to get out of this jail that was killing my emotions and freedom of expression. I had remembered why I chose not to live there before in the first place. It became so clear to me. All I required to do was make a decision. And everything changed.
When someone, especially a family member, or significant other is unable to see you eye to eye, it’s time to leave. Money is never an excuse to stay with an abusive person. You are worth more than that exchange. When I left, I didn’t have a room to sleep in. I stayed in my car for a little while until I found a place. I got a gym pass to exercise and shower. I received so much support that I had no idea even existed. Freedom is the best feeling. Being in a co-dependent relationship is the worst. It’s like choosing to chain yourself to someone else and having them feed you a love you didn’t think you had.
You don’t need an abuser treating you like an object or trying to shut down your soul from being free. You don’t need We are all meant to express ourselves freely. No man has the right to ever control a person. And if you find yourself in a situation like this, ask yourself this: why you are willing to put up with such negativity? And for what price? What’s your excuse?
As long as you remain a mop in the house conforming to other people’s wants of you, you will always be in your own jail.I leave a poem here as a reminder that we are always taken care of by the universe:
Direction- A Poem
The dark Pupil, in the dark void
Eyes; one, two, how many to see?
seeking a Teacher, where is the path?
Purpose? Meaning? Am I here?
In this darkness, who am I?
Ah, here, I hear
There is a voice.
Closer than questions,
Atoms.. within me.
Spinning, circulating, breathing
The music of a galaxy..
Scattered and filled of stars,
the answers within..
Hand the worry to flames, letting go.
Hungry soul,
Rest in this blanket, the warmth of Home.
(c) Jennifer Lee, The Voice of the Wounded Soul
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The Voice of the Wounded Soul 